Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Holy Shit!

Ladies and gentlemen, my dearest apologies to you all. I was recently struck with the most intriguing and shocking revelation. I have been straight M.I.A. for over half a year. But, the most striking part is that I had so many opportunities is 2009 to write about whatever I wanted. However, I just simply chose not to. Shame on me for not talking about Tiger Woods' cat house antics, Barack Obama's first year in office, Jaycee friggin' Duggard!!!! Anything I could have written about would have been fine. Oh no! I would rather just think of writing about these things and leave everyone disappointed. But my deepest shame is perhaps that I did not write about the death or honor the memory of the man, the myth, the legend.... Billy Mays. Oh, and Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson R.I.P. King of Pop, and Walter Cronkite/Ed McMahon(they were in there somewhere). ::::Drum roll and cymbal crash:::::



Yes, I am a slacker. I think we all get the point by now. So much that it makes me angry and "you wouldn't like me when i'm angry." (Sorry it was right there) Anyways what makes me completely change my disposition is the fact that I know a few ultimate truths that will revive my career as a hot-shot superstar journalist/blogger who nobody gives a shit about or follows.... :*(



#1 Sarah Palin is still alive and thats always got to be good for a few laughs



#2 If you host a late night show on network television you are probably not faithful to your significant other....(i.e. Letterman, and Kimmel) {side note: Maybe we should give Tiger Woods a late night show about sex and golf two things that haven't been together since EVER.}



{{side side note: Who is having affairs with Jimmy Kimmel??? That's just EwwggH!}}



#3 Barack Obama is going to be the first(and only) black president for at least 2.67 more years so there has to be a punchline in there somewhere. (One that is not about his "NEGRO Dialect")



#4 Dr. Drew exists to show me sides of down and out celebrities I have never seen. Like the fact that Heidi Fleiss has had 4 count them, 4 abortions. (Crickets chirping) Yeah she's as sorry as I am for writing it.



#5 Saturday Night Live isn't funny so thats always a joke. I have to live as long as Lorne Michaels has not figured out that I write jokes 10 times better than any of the hacks on that show.



And finally just the fact that we live in the good 'ole U.S. of A. (United States of America to all our yellow bird readers) There will always be a punchline in the fact that we can only see anything that happens in the world through American eyes. Which as I remember correctly are focused on freedom, the pursuit of happiness, and powerball in 50 states and all the territories.

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